As we continue through September and (some) players return
to their teams for informal workouts, it’s time to say goodbye to another NHL
offseason. Though there is still plenty
of CBA uncertainty and a lockout looming on the horizon, the actual offseason
will be over as of September 15th.
Yes, the calendar moves on even if the NHL does not.
It has been four long months since the Penguins were knocked
out by the Flyers, how have we passed the time?
April 22:
Pens season officially ends at the hands of a 5-1 loss to the Flyers in
the Eastern Conference Quarterfinals.
Memories of the series: Blown 3 goal leads, Neal Suspension Watch, Kris
Letang shushes the crowd, Crosby fights Giroux, Collapse of the
Defense/PK/Fleury, Jordan Staal’s potential assent to stardom.
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This moment will live in infamy. How will he explain that to
his kid one day?!? |
April 25: Joel Ward scores the winner for Washington to
knock the defending Cup Champion Bruins out of the playoffs. Tim Thomas gestures at his daughter to smile
in the crowd while
Ward gets berated by racists on the internet.
May 12: The
Conference Semifinals end as the Rangers, Devils, Kings, and Coyotes
advance. Pens fans rejoice at seeing the
Flyers and Caps go down while NHL fans are confused to see the existence of a
Pacific Division that plays at 10pm EST.
May 25: The
Conference Finals end as the Devils and Kings advance to the Stanley Cup
Final. NBC executives sob in a dark
corner due to the unexpectedly sudden death of their tv ratings.
May 31:
Future Hall of Famer Nicklas Lidstrom retires thinking that the NHL’s
postseason had already ended.
June 4:
Tim Thomas announces on facebook that he will take a year off from the
NHL. Millions realize it’s time to get
off of facebook.
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| Yes. |
June 11:
The Los Angeles Kings win the Stanley Cup in a 6-1 rout, forever
boosting their fan base unless something crazy like a lockout might occur 3
months later.
June 20:
The NHL wows its fans in Vegas with a horrible awards show.
Brendan Shanahan is not amused. Malkin takes home ALL of the awards
(literally, for display at the draft).
June 27:
At the NHL draft in Pittsburgh, fans go wild as Jordan Staal is traded
to Carolina in the first round. Fans
later go wild again when the Trib’s Rob Rossi suggests that the team might
acquire Keith Yandle from Phoenix.
Reports are later confirmed that the Pens actually just gave away Zbynek
Michalek as a charitable donation to Phoenix instead. Rumor has it, the donation was tax
deductible.
June 29:
Pittsburgh agrees to a 12 year deal worth $104.4 million with Sidney
Crosby. Instead of rejoicing over a
signing, Pens fans tear each other apart over whether the term was too long and
what Malkin should get.
June 30: NHL fans hit DEFCON 1 as they prepare for a free agent frenzy that is
led by bidding wars for Zach Parise and Ryan Suter.
July 1:
The “frenzy” begins at 12:30 as Jonas Gustvasson signs with
Detroit. 10 hours later, NHL fans
realize they have no life in the summer.
Meanwhile, HockeyyInsiderr reports that Parise and Suter will both go to
Pittsburgh, Detroit, New Jersey, Minnesota, or some mystery team over the
course of a few days.
 |
| Errrrr.... |
July 1: Jordan Staal signs a suspiciously familiar 10 year, $60 million extension
with Carolina. Pens fans start to consider
the idea that maybe he didn’t want to stay in Pittsburgh, but go unconscious at
the thought of such a concept.
July 2: Parise
Watch continues as the media and fans fight each other about where Parise will
end up. Mark Madden leads the charge
with arguments suggesting that there is no way Parise would turn down
Pittsburgh and Crosby. Fans vomit.
July 3:
Everyone hits the snooze button as the watch continues.
July 4: In a patriotic move that forces reporters to do work on a national
holiday, Parise and Suter sign with the Minnesota Wild. Pens fans call them stupid for turning down a
chance to play with the magical Sidney Crosby and for the best franchise that
was every created in the history of the universe. Ha, and
Tortorella thinks Pittsburgh is arrogant…
July 5:
Pittsburgh shifts to Doan watch after the Parise debacle. Historians later determine that the Mayans
were not predicting the end of the world, but actually suggesting the end date
for Doan Watch.
July 12:
As the wait for Doan continues, head coach Dan Bylsma suggests that Eric
Tangradi could play a role on one of the top lines as the Pens search for a
winger. Fans call for Bylsma’s head,
begin questioning Shero’s abilities, and look to bang bodies.
July 14:
The NHL makes its first CBA offer to the players. The offer restricts seemingly everything
about player careers, ranging from contract lengths to brands of
toothpaste. Fans side with the players
and the lockout monster dusts himself off after a 7 year slumber.
July 17:
The Flyers offer Shea Weber a massive offer sheet worth $110 million
over 14 years. The contract is truly in
the spirit of the new CBA offer as it would violate every single clause of it. Nashville has 7 days to match as they argue that
they can’t afford to compete in the NHL with these player salaries.
July 23:
Scott Howson wakes up and realizes it has been roughly a month since his
last trading gaffe. Forgoing his
traditional call to Philadelphia, he decides on the Rangers and sends Rick Nash
to New York for role players. This would
also be the last morning that Artem Anisimov and Brandon Dubinsky would ever
smile.
July 24: Nashville matches the Weber offer sheet as the
NHLPA scratches its collective head about the owners not having enough money to
spend.
August 1: Doan watch continues as he is
reportedly interested in every NHL, AHL, KHL, and somehow OHL team, according
his agent. He has also been spotted in 8
different cities with 4 different kids wearing 6 different jerseys at the same
time and is expect to sign “soon” with all of those teams. There is also a rumored mystery team that
offers him a winning powerball ticket.
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| Read: This is how much the Owners care. |
August 14:
The NHLPA finally sends the NHL a counteroffer after a month of
consideration. Bettman tells the media
that the NHLPA clearly put some thought into their counteroffer. In a helpful and revolutionary method of
protest, fans begin using 3 seconds of their day to type “No Lockout”, create
twitter accounts, and sign petitions.
The owners use those 3 seconds to double check their bank accounts
instead of paying attention or caring.
August 21:
EA Sports releases their NHL 13 demo.
The game receives universal praise for gameplay while dealing with harsh
critiques about its realism with no lockout mode.
August 29:
The NHL provides the players with their 2nd CBA offer. Hope grows as the media leaks that the NHLPA
will provide a counteroffer within a day or 2.
August 30:
NBC releases its
national tv schedule for the NHL. Advertisers take note of which 3 hour periods
to avoid until 2013.
August 31:
The NHLPA meets with the NHL briefly; talks stall and break off
completely with no future scheduled meetings.
The lockout monster swallows hope whole.
September 1:
An anti-lockout video goes viral as fans try to protest the upcoming
lockout. The video runs 8 minutes and 31
seconds. NHL owners collectively earn
thousands of dollars in interest during that time and laugh about it on their
way to the bank.
Want the harsh truth? Together we can't make a difference because together we don't matter. Get over yourselves. Also, if you cry over a lockout, I strongly urge you to reconsider what you're doing with your life.
September 4:
Gabriel Landeskog is named the captain of the Colorado Avalanche. Pens fans have a meltdown that Crosby is no
longer the youngest captain in history, arguing about Crosby’s achievements and
skill level in comparison to Landeskog.
Crosby finds out he was once the youngest captain in NHL history and
shrugs.
Today, September 6: Nothing.
And nothing is anticipated until…
September 15: Expected Lockout.
