Recap: Hockey Offseason '12

As we continue through September and (some) players return to their teams for informal workouts, it’s time to say goodbye to another NHL offseason.  Though there is still plenty of CBA uncertainty and a lockout looming on the horizon, the actual offseason will be over as of September 15^th.  Yes, the calendar moves on even if the NHL does not.

It has been four long months since the Penguins were knocked out by the Flyers, how have we passed the time?

April 22:  Pens season officially ends at the hands of a 5-1 loss to the Flyers in the Eastern Conference Quarterfinals.  Memories of the series: Blown 3 goal leads, Neal Suspension Watch, Kris Letang shushes the crowd, Crosby fights Giroux, Collapse of the Defense/PK/Fleury, Jordan Staal’s potential assent to stardom.

This moment will live in infamy.  How will he explain that to
his kid one day?!?

April 25:  Joel Ward scores the winner for Washington to knock the defending Cup Champion Bruins out of the playoffs.  Tim Thomas gestures at his daughter to smile in the crowd while Ward gets berated by racists on the internet.

May 12:  The Conference Semifinals end as the Rangers, Devils, Kings, and Coyotes advance.  Pens fans rejoice at seeing the Flyers and Caps go down while NHL fans are confused to see the existence of a Pacific Division that plays at 10pm EST.

May 25:  The Conference Finals end as the Devils and Kings advance to the Stanley Cup Final.  NBC executives sob in a dark corner due to the unexpectedly sudden death of their tv ratings.

May 31:  Future Hall of Famer Nicklas Lidstrom retires thinking that the NHL’s postseason had already ended.

June 4:  Tim Thomas announces on facebook that he will take a year off from the NHL.  Millions realize it’s time to get off of facebook.

Yes.

June 11:  The Los Angeles Kings win the Stanley Cup in a 6-1 rout, forever boosting their fan base unless something crazy like a lockout might occur 3 months later.

June 14:  Fans go f*cking crazy about the f*cking Kings thanks to Jonathan f*cking Quick.

June 20:  The NHL wows its fans in Vegas with a horrible awards show.  Brendan Shanahan is not amused.  Malkin takes home ALL of the awards (literally, for display at the draft).

June 27:  At the NHL draft in Pittsburgh, fans go wild as Jordan Staal is traded to Carolina in the first round.  Fans later go wild again when the Trib’s Rob Rossi suggests that the team might acquire Keith Yandle from Phoenix.  Reports are later confirmed that the Pens actually just gave away Zbynek Michalek as a charitable donation to Phoenix instead.  Rumor has it, the donation was tax deductible.

June 29:  Pittsburgh agrees to a 12 year deal worth $104.4 million with Sidney Crosby.  Instead of rejoicing over a signing, Pens fans tear each other apart over whether the term was too long and what Malkin should get.

June 30:  NHL fans hit DEFCON 1 as they prepare for a free agent frenzy that is led by bidding wars for Zach Parise and Ryan Suter.

July 1:  The “frenzy” begins at 12:30 as Jonas Gustvasson signs with Detroit.  10 hours later, NHL fans realize they have no life in the summer.  Meanwhile, HockeyyInsiderr reports that Parise and Suter will both go to Pittsburgh, Detroit, New Jersey, Minnesota, or some mystery team over the course of a few days.

Errrrr....

July 1:  Jordan Staal signs a suspiciously familiar 10 year, $60 million extension with Carolina.  Pens fans start to consider the idea that maybe he didn’t want to stay in Pittsburgh, but go unconscious at the thought of such a concept.

July 2:  Parise Watch continues as the media and fans fight each other about where Parise will end up.  Mark Madden leads the charge with arguments suggesting that there is no way Parise would turn down Pittsburgh and Crosby.  Fans vomit.

July 3:  Everyone hits the snooze button as the watch continues.

July 4:  In a patriotic move that forces reporters to do work on a national holiday, Parise and Suter sign with the Minnesota Wild.  Pens fans call them stupid for turning down a chance to play with the magical Sidney Crosby and for the best franchise that was every created in the history of the universe.  Ha, and Tortorella thinks Pittsburgh is arrogant…

July 5:  Pittsburgh shifts to Doan watch after the Parise debacle.  Historians later determine that the Mayans were not predicting the end of the world, but actually suggesting the end date for Doan Watch.

July 12:  As the wait for Doan continues, head coach Dan Bylsma suggests that Eric Tangradi could play a role on one of the top lines as the Pens search for a winger.  Fans call for Bylsma’s head, begin questioning Shero’s abilities, and look to bang bodies.

July 14:  The NHL makes its first CBA offer to the players.  The offer restricts seemingly everything about player careers, ranging from contract lengths to brands of toothpaste.  Fans side with the players and the lockout monster dusts himself off after a 7 year slumber.

July 17:  The Flyers offer Shea Weber a massive offer sheet worth $110 million over 14 years.  The contract is truly in the spirit of the new CBA offer as it would violate every single clause of it.  Nashville has 7 days to match as they argue that they can’t afford to compete in the NHL with these player salaries.

July 23:  Scott Howson wakes up and realizes it has been roughly a month since his last trading gaffe.  Forgoing his traditional call to Philadelphia, he decides on the Rangers and sends Rick Nash to New York for role players.  This would also be the last morning that Artem Anisimov and Brandon Dubinsky would ever smile.

July 24:  Nashville matches the Weber offer sheet as the NHLPA scratches its collective head about the owners not having enough money to spend.

August 1: Doan watch continues as he is reportedly interested in every NHL, AHL, KHL, and somehow OHL team, according his agent.  He has also been spotted in 8 different cities with 4 different kids wearing 6 different jerseys at the same time and is expect to sign “soon” with all of those teams.  There is also a rumored mystery team that offers him a winning powerball ticket.

August 13:  Reports come out that HockeyyInsiderr is a 17 year old kid.  Thousands of fake accounts continue to follow him.  More concerning, thousands of real accounts continue to do so as well.

Read:  This is how much the Owners care.

August 14:  The NHLPA finally sends the NHL a counteroffer after a month of consideration.  Bettman tells the media that the NHLPA clearly put some thought into their counteroffer.  In a helpful and revolutionary method of protest, fans begin using 3 seconds of their day to type “No Lockout”, create twitter accounts, and sign petitions.  The owners use those 3 seconds to double check their bank accounts instead of paying attention or caring.

August 21:  EA Sports releases their NHL 13 demo.  The game receives universal praise for gameplay while dealing with harsh critiques about its realism with no lockout mode.

August 29:  The NHL provides the players with their 2^nd CBA offer.  Hope grows as the media leaks that the NHLPA will provide a counteroffer within a day or 2.

August 30:  NBC releases its national tv schedule for the NHL.  Advertisers take note of which 3 hour periods to avoid until 2013.

August 31:  The NHLPA meets with the NHL briefly; talks stall and break off completely with no future scheduled meetings.  The lockout monster swallows hope whole.

September 1:  An anti-lockout video goes viral as fans try to protest the upcoming lockout.  The video runs 8 minutes and 31 seconds.  NHL owners collectively earn thousands of dollars in interest during that time and laugh about it on their way to the bank.

Want the harsh truth?  Together we can't make a difference because together we don't matter.  Get over yourselves.  Also, if you cry over a lockout, I strongly urge you to reconsider what you're doing with your life.

September 4:  Gabriel Landeskog is named the captain of the Colorado Avalanche.  Pens fans have a meltdown that Crosby is no longer the youngest captain in history, arguing about Crosby’s achievements and skill level in comparison to Landeskog.  Crosby finds out he was once the youngest captain in NHL history and shrugs.

Today, September 6:  Nothing.  And nothing is anticipated until…

September 15:  Expected Lockout.